Friday, August 29, 2008

The Election Is Over!

Pack it in. Its locked up. Shut down the 2 year political perpetual motion machine. Cancel the half hour specials on CNN and FOX. Its over.


Maybe your a Barack Obama supporter, maybe you are a John McCain supporter. At this point if you're a guy, it shouldn't matter. Why?







As of 10:45 AM EST, John McCain has picked Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. .



Not a bad pick. Sure, this picture is photoshopped but its niiiice to look at. Yes she is young. She's good looking. She is 44. Who cares about anything else.







The words "attractive woman and presidential election" just 3 hours ago couldn't have been more diametrically opposed or more paradoxical. You don't think of the words "hot chick" when you think of Hilary do you? Yet now, they go together like a wonderful dinner and an effervescent wine. You can't get enough.



I know for a fact that the McCain camp isn't trying to attract the male 18 to 35 demographic. The move more signifies a strategy for garnering Hilary Clinton votes that might be in limbo. Still, a nice ancillary effect of Mrs. Palin's VP nomination might very well be the college, male vote. Can't you hear the water cooler talk at college frat houses tonight?


Sex appeal and national politics are not supposed to go and-in-hand. We've seen countless video clips over the years of meetings with aged male politicians in Washington around an oval conference table. The last thing these over-used, gray haired, plain suit, Geritol fueled, Lawrence Welk watching old timer recordings invoke is sex appeal. Maybe for my grandmother or someone in a retirement community looking for someone to play bingo but not a mainstream voter.

Sarah Palin's experience isn't very impressive. Heck, before she became governor, she was the mayor of a town with a population of 5000. She has only been Governor for 2 years but that isn't going to matter. If its a sexy image you want, the McCain/Palin ticket is the one for you.
Saying those words "Hot chick and presidential" now just plane sounds great. I think I am liking politics a lot more now.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Absence, Meditation and Badminton

I just realized that I haven't posted anything this month. So rather than force write some unimportant, contrived essay or cut-n-paste some uninteresting tidbit with embedded video just to say "I did", I took a leave of absence. I took it to to recharge and re energize. Call it a blogging sabbatical. So I traveled, played with the kids, watched some movies with the wife. Basically, I went back to the basics.


Just as many an actor/entertainer before me, I embarked on several trips Nepal to get in touch with my inner self so that my yet untapped inner sanctum might shed some light on the future of my internet presence. I even passed David Carradine while heading to lunch one afternoon. Very nice fellow.



Then one day, in an infinitesimal moment while napping it hit me. I opened my eyes and saw IT. No, it wasn't a bearded, thin, ageless Asian man dressed in a white robe and a cane although that would have been pretty cool. What appeared to me in my semi-unconscious state while laying on the couch was the most intense game of badminton I had ever seen. Where did I see this game? The Olympics on NBC Friday night.


At the Olympics...




Are you kidding me?


Wait a minute. This the same venue that the best athletes in the world gather for every four years at a designated location to play certain sports at the highest level possible. One of those "sports" was badminton. It was at that point that I realized that people from many countries actually spent money to fly to China to play a game that I played as a kid at family reunions growing up.


Look, I know they play the game at such a fast speed (top speed for a smash is 206 mph), so it seems like a totally different game that what we are used to as kids. Heck, I remember trying to find birdies (or shuttlecock. Yes, I said "Shuttlecock") that had been buried in the corner of the garage, setting up a torn net and playing with beat up rackets.

How ever you neatly package the game whether it be by blinding speed, corporate sponsors, graphite badminton rackets or fancy, skin tight uniforms, guess what, IT'S STILL BADMINTON!

At what point while playing badminton do you go, "Yeah, I'm ready to take this to the next level. You know what, maybe the Olympics someday."? The easy answer is NEVER!

And if you feel the urge coming for more badminton competition, you need to check yourself. This means stop playing 4 hours a day and find another sport like lawn darts.


Wow, that felt good.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Mad Props To My Wife

If you know me, you know that I work strange hours. I'm up at 2AM each morning, prepare for work a bit before heading out the door at 3:15 in time to get to work at 4am. People I talk to each day usually strike a conversation with, "Gee, you have to go to bed at what, 6 or 7PM right?" My facial expression usually dispels their conclusion but I follow it up with this rebuttal, "Not with kids. Try 9, maybe 9:30." It is their priceless facial expression in response that culminates with their jaw hitting the floor. The look is one of utter shock.

I'm writing about this not for pity or for sympathy. After all, many people in the world work strange shifts; many are more unorthodox than mine. I write this to cast some light--actually a huge beacon--on what is responsible for allowing me to keep this schedule without collapsing.
Here are a few hints. Its not coffee, although a good cup of highly caffeinated java is real yummy with an english muffin. Its not the Red Bull or the new "5 Hour Energy" loaded with a blend of chemicals and amino acids that make the periodic table look like a kids book. Its not some exotic herbal extract from the rain forest. (Any food or drink with the word "exotic" is really inviting.)

The best stimulant for staying conscious and fully functional doesn't come from food or drink. It comes from a loving, compassionate wife.

Yeah, yeah, I know. What is this, an episode of Oprah, you say? Sure, it sounds sappy and chessy but I meant what I said.

When you are on a schedule that runs against your circadian rhythm, your body gets pretty pissed at you. The enzymes in your stomach churn uncontrollably throwing your whole digestive system into a tizzy. You eat leftover dinner at 8AM. (Bar B-Que is my favorite). Your eyeballs feel like someone took them out unbenownst to you and dipped them in shards of glass then reinserted them into your head. Not to mention, you get fragmented sleep. Four hours here, a couple of hours there. You never feel rested. You get short-fused and testy. Basically, your body is here and your mind is in the other room. Rarely does your mind and body come together and when it does, look out! Strange things happen. A ll of the jacked up coffee on the planet won't lift your out of this funk. Your there to stay.

My wife knows this. When I get home, she works her day around my afternoon nap. Even if that means watching the kids for another 2 hours AFTER a morning of mayhem. Don't get me wrong. My kids are super-fun. But it is mentally exhausting sometimes when, for no apparent reason, your three year old's calm demeanor suddenly mushrooms up into a full-fledged temper tantrum while the 9 month old needs a diaper change. Its all par for the course. All families go through it. But it takes someone special like my wife to sacrifice her own rest and relaxation and mental sanity so that I can get a few winks. You might say that my wife is a blessing disguised in the form of REM sleep. Without it, I'd be a wreck.

I try not to take any of this for granted. Even after I wake up, my demeanor many times probably wouldn't be compared to a cuddly kitty cat. Its more like a hungry cobra ready to pounce on a rodent. Even still, each day my wife anticipates ALL of our needs. She schedules trips to the store so that I can have time to "wake up". She balances out the activities of the kids around their digestive clocks so that they are fed and ready to go. All of this is done to make the day run smooth even in the midst of the groggy, cranky cobra. Her strength and mental fortitude is second to none and for that, I am grateful beyond words.

Zzzzzzzzzz.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Baseball Records Becoming A Rare Commodity

This past weekend as I sifted through the Friday box scores comparing player stats from other years, something stood out as I checked career totals and the age of the player. Aside from a few standout players, career offensive records will become rarer and rarer in the next 10 years. Let me explain:

I took a list of career leaders in 3 offensive categories, homeruns, runs and hits. I only listed players who are at least 30 years old and who were relatively high on the all-time list which for current players is around 250th or so. Its a shorter list than you think which will be self-explanatory once you see it. Each row in the list shows the all-time rank, name of the player, age and the number of hits, runs, etc.

For comparitative purposes, I also placed a few players who are in their late 20s and have played long enough (at least 7 years) with strong enough numbers to warrant consideration as all-time record setters if projected out over the next decade. Projected is the key word here and can be dangerous as it does not take into account a down year or injuries.

The bold-faced names are players that probably won't retire in the next 2 to 3 years. This eliminates a significant number of players who, although rank high on the list, won't have enough time given their age to make a run at any records.


RUNS

46 K. GRIFFEY 38 1575
48 SHEFFIELD 39 1558
54 A-ROD 32 1530
67 F-THOMAS 40 1486
79 JETER 34 1411
83 L.GONZO 40 1400
87 M-RAM 36 1384
90 THOME 37 1371
99 OMAR 41 1345
101 C.JONES 36 1340
108 J.DAMON 34 1321
115 J. KENT 40 1231
416 A.PUJOLS 28 888


HITS

68 GRIFFEY 2615
69 OMAR 2615
79 L. GONZO 2552
80 SHEFFIELD 2550
82 I-ROD 2544
99 FTHOMAS 2448
103 JETER 2422
108 J. KENT 2387
132 A-ROD 2304
138 M-RAM 2281
141 G-ANDERSON 2268
164 C.JONES 2209
172 J DAMON 2180
220. VLAD GUERRER0 2070 (32)
546 J. PIERRE 1497 (30)
575 A. BELTRE 1487 (29)
640 A.PUJOLS 1421 (28)
704 J. ROLLINS 1354 (29)


RBI

19 GRIFFEY 1730
21 FRANK THOMAS 1701
25 M-RAM 1652
33 SHEFFIELD 1588
43 A-ROD 1535
49 J.KENT 1488
57 THOME 1431
63 GONZO 1417
67 DELGADO (36) 1404
327 PUJOLS (28) 903
416 A BELTRE 29) 813
417 A-RAM (30) 813
692 A. DUNN (28) 613
702 V. WELLS (29) 608


HOMERUNS

6 GRIFFEY 603
14 A-ROD 535
16 THOME 523
19 THOMAS 520
23 M-RAM 506
27 SHEFFIELD 485
34 DELGADO 446
43 C.JONES 403
53 J. GIAMBI 382
59 VLAD 378
64 J. KENT 374
65 EDMONDS 371
67 A. JONES 370
77 GONZO 351
88 ALOU 332
105 HELTON (34) 304
114 SEXSON (33) 304
117 PUJOLS (28) 300
122 GLAUS (31) 292
123 I-ROD (36) 292
133 J. DYE (34) 285
134 P. KONERKO (32) 285


Taking out the players who more than likely won't be in baseball in 2011, the list is narrowed down to this:

RUNS

54 A-ROD 32 1530
79 JETER 34 1411
87 M-RAM 36 1384
101 C.JONES 36 1340
108 J.DAMON 34 1321
416 A.PUJOLS 28 888

HITS

103 JETER 2422
132 A-ROD 2304
138 M-RAM 2281
141 G-ANDERSON 2268
164 C.JONES 2209
172 J DAMON 2180
220. VLAD GUERRERO 2070 (32)
546 J. PIERRE 1497 (30)
575 A. BELTRE 1487 (29)
640 A.PUJOLS 1421 (28)
704 J. ROLLINS 1354 (29)

RBI

25 M-RAM 1652
43 A-ROD 1535
327 PUJOLS (28) 903
416 A BELTRE 29) 813
417 A-RAM (30) 813
692 A. DUNN (28) 613
702 V. WELLS (29) 608

HOMERUNS

14 A-ROD 535
23 M-RAM 506
43 C.JONES 403
59 VLAD 378
105 HELTON (34) 304
114 SEXSON (33) 304
117 PUJOLS (28) 300
122 GLAUS (31) 292
133 J. DYE (34) 285
134 P. KONERKO (32) 285

Now, taking out the players who have been injury prone over the last few years and who have had a significant decline in performance in recent years (Todd Helton), you now get this. The highlighted players are in their 30s and have at least 1300 runs, 2000 hits, 1500 RBI or 500 homeruns (Pujols and Vlad Guerrero are highlighted due to their young age and consistant homerun production)

Pretty short list overall when your talking about players cracking the top 10 or 15 in each category.

RUNS

54 A-ROD (32) 1530
79 JETER (34) 1411
87 M-RAM (36) 1384
416 A.PUJOLS (28) 888

HITS

103 JETER (34) 2422
132 A-ROD (32) 2304
138 M-RAM (36) 2281
220. VLAD GUERRER0 2070 (32)
546 J. PIERRE 1497 (30)
575 A. BELTRE 1487 (29)
640 A.PUJOLS 1421 (28)
704 J. ROLLINS 1354 (29)

RBI

25 M-RAM (36) 1652
43 A-ROD (32) 1535
327 PUJOLS (28) 903
416 A BELTRE 29) 813
417 A-RAM (30) 813
692 A. DUNN (28) 613
702 V. WELLS (29) 608

HOMERUNS

14 A-ROD (32) 535
23 M-RAM (36) 506

59 VLAD (32) 378
105 HELTON (34) 304
117 PUJOLS (28) 300
122 GLAUS (31) 292
133 J. DYE (34) 285
134 P. KONERKO (32) 285

After several run-throughs at filtering out aged, injury prone, inconsistant players in the list, we get this final list.

RUNS

54 A-ROD 32 1530
79 JETER 34 1411
87 M-RAM 36 1384

HITS

103 JETER 2422
132 A-ROD 2304
138 M-RAM 2281
220. VLAD GUERRER0 2070 (32)


RBI

25 M-RAM 1652
43 A-ROD 1535


HOMERUNS

14 A-ROD 535
23 M-RAM 506

59 VLAD 378
117 PUJOLS (28) 300


The bottom line:

Only Jeter and A-Rod will have a legitimate shot at the TOP 10 in RUNS SCORED.
Only Jeter, A-Rod and Vlad Guerrero have a shot at 3000 HITS.
Only Manny and A-Rod have a shot at 2000 RBI
Only Vlad Guerrero and Pujols have a shot at 500 Homeruns in the next 7 to 10 years.

Beyond this, we are talking close to 2020 when any other all-time records have a real chance at falling.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Remembering 10 cent Beer Night at Cleveland Stadium


It was on that fateful night on June 4, 1974 when the geniuses in the Cleveland Indians Promotional Department decided that dime beer night with no limit was a good idea. A guy I work with was there as a kid but left before the riot ensued. After players were hit with chairs, batteries and anything else that wasn't bolted down, the umpires finally called the game.


Read a great narrative of the night on Page 2 of espn.com.




These pictures from the Cleveland Plain Dealer are priceless.



The guy in the middle is pretty imtimidating with those glasses.

I think I saw this guy tailgating at a Browns game.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Baseball Offense WAY Down in '08

Chalk it up to the steroid testing policy which wasn't beefed up--pardon the pun--until 2005 with worthwhile penalties (A first positive test resulted in a suspension of 10 games, a second positive test resulted in a suspension of 30 games, the third positive test resulted in a suspension of 60 games, the fourth positive test resulted in a suspension of one full year. Later that year, the penalties were changed to: first positive test, 50-game suspension; second positive test , game suspension, third positive test would result in a lifetime suspension from MLB), offense in baseball in 2008 has been noticably lower than in recent years.































Projecting runs scored for this year (22,192 runs) through the end of the season would yield the lowest total since 1997.





































Projecting homerun output this year through game 162 would give a total of 4788 homeruns. The lowest total since 1997.


The most glaring stat is the historical ERA numbers since 1996.







































While ERA has come down since it's peak in 2000, its continued to oscillate up and down somewhat since. However, the first sharp drop in ERA occurred in 2001, four seasons before the first real strict steroid penalties took effect and 2 years before testing began. Is this a result of steroid testing or just a function of the randomness of baseball?


So far, 2008 ERA numbers are on pace for the lowest level since the second expansion era began in 1993, that's 16 seasons.






























While homerun numbers are down 8% from 2006 to 2007 and a projected 3% from 2007 to 2008, Doubles are up 4% since 2003. What does this mean? Either steroid testing is working in that performance enhancing drugs aren't as prevalent as they were 10 years ago and/or the lack of pitching talent has weeded itself out of the big leagues since its dillusion due to expansion in the early and mid 1990s. Give it another couple of seasons to see if a trend develops from homerun hitting to doubles hitting and much lower ERAs.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Oldest Player to Play with Babe Ruth Turns 100

Baseball is a game of big, round, meaningful numbers. Bill Werber knows about that: He got exactly 200 hits in the 1934 season and here he is 74 years later, still around to talk about it.

Werber, the oldest living major leaguer, turns 100 years old on Friday.

"It appears," he said from a senior housing facility in North Carolina, "that I'm going to live past 100."

Werber played with Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, with Jimmie Foxx and many others. He played for Connie Mack. He played on a world championship team with the 1940 Cincinnati Reds. He went fishing with Ted Williams. He was the first player ever to take an at-bat in a televised major league game. He was the first All-America basketball player produced by Duke University. And, even at 100, he can still remember almost all of it.

"That's because I'm intelligent," he said.

Bill Werber (sliding) played in the major leagues for 11 seasons, and won a World Series with the Cincinnati Reds in 1940.

Werber's career began in 1930, and ended in 1942. He played mostly third base for the Yankees, Red Sox, A's, Reds and Giants, hitting .271 with 1,363 hits, 78 home runs and 215 steals. In 1934 for the Red Sox, he batted .321 with 40 steals. He played the final seven years of his career in pain due to a damaged toe, but he never complains about that. On a daily basis the memories he collected from his 13-year career bring a smile to his face.

And no one makes him smile more than the mention of Babe Ruth.

"I was very fond of the big monster," Werber said. "He knew he was the adopted son of a bar owner named Ruth, he never knew his own mom and dad. He was kind to children. He signed autographs by the thousands. Kids would walk all over his white shoes and tan pants. It didn't matter. He would visit hospitals, and he'd never take a newspaper man or cameraman with him. I got a nice letter recently from his granddaughter. She sent me pictures."

Werber played two years with the Yankees and he and Ruth became close friends.

"Babe was a good bridge player," he said. "He knew all about it. [Yankee catcher Bill] Dickey and I were partners against Babe and Gehrig. We'd play on the train for 2½ hours. Babe used to give what he call "phonky" bids to irritate Gehrig. He liked to irritate Gehrig."

And teammates liked to irritate Ruth.

"They used to play tricks on the Babe," Werber said. "They'd nail his shoes to the floor. Or, they'd take the eyelets out of his shirt so his shirt would fly open. Babe made $80,000 a year. He'd get a check every two weeks for $7,500. Mark Roth, the secretary of our club, would put the pay envelopes on each player's stool in the locker room. He'd use scissors to open each envelope. Guys would take Babe's check out of the envelope and tape it on the mirror in the bathroom in the clubhouse. Guys would be combing their hair, or putting talcum in their jock, and there was Babe's check looking right at them. He'd leave it up there all day. When everyone was done, he'd take it down, and go on his way."

Werber never played with Ted Williams, but he knew him.

"I liked Ted," Werber said. "I told him a ghost story once on a train ride. It was a good ghost story. We sat Ted in a certain place so he could hear it. We had two other guys, Tom Connelly and Roger Cramer, placed strategically around Ted. At first, he didn't buy into it, but then he did. At the climax of the story, I yelled, 'I am the 12th man!', my eyes were dilated, my fingers were outstretched. Ted jumped in the air, then he beat me over the head."

Werber also visited Williams' home more than once.

"Ted was funny," he said. "We had dinner at his house after fishing with him one day in the Florida Keys. Ted had had a few too many martinis. We were with our friend, Dick Locker. Dick told Ted, 'You're going to have to talk a little louder to Bill, he's deaf.' Well, all through dinner, Ted thought that it was Mrs. Werber who was deaf. So, every time that Ted would say something, he'd lean across the table to Mrs. Werber and say, 'Did you hear what I said?' And Mrs. Werber would say, 'Yes, I heard what you said, Ted.'"

Werber said the highlight of his career was playing for the world champion Reds in 1940. Not only was that team a champion, but, Werber said, that team knew how to have fun.


"We had a second baseman named [Lonnie] Frey who had liver spots all over him," Werber said. "So I started calling him, The Leopard. He looked like a leopard. And he ran like a leopard. So I started a club on the Reds called The Jungle Club. Frey was the Leopard. I was The Jaguar. Our big first baseman was Frank McCormick. He was the better hitter in the league that year. He told me, 'I want to be in the Jungle Club.' I told Frank, 'But Frank, you don't hustle enough to be in the Jungle Club.' He said, 'If I hustle for a week, can I be in the club?' I said, 'Maybe if you hustle for a month, you can be in the club.'"

So, we were in Boston, he had a big game, and he took a couple of guys out for beers after the game. He said< 'Did I hustle good enough today?' I said, 'Yes, you did, Frank. We've decided to put you in the Jungle Club.' He said, 'What's my nickname?' I said, 'We have a suitable name. You'll be The Hippopotamus.' He said, 'I don't want to be The Hippopotamus. I want to be The Wildcat.' I said, 'Frank, you are a wildcat.' He ran out in the hall and said, 'I'm in the Jungle Club. I'm The Wildcat!' Things like that really help a ballclub play better, playing kid games."

It was with the 1940 Reds that Werber led off in the first game on television in baseball history.

"I didn't even know about it until four years later," Werber said. "I was walking through the country club where I was a member when this young fellow read out of a book of trivia that I was the first batter ever to bat in a televised game. And I didn't even know it."

Werber hasn't watched a game on TV in years.

"I don't watch any baseball anymore," he said. "I stopped watching because of Johnny Damon and, what's his name? Alvarez? … Ramirez? … Yeah, [Manny] Ramirez. He had that long hair thing going down the back of his neck. And Damon had that beard. I wrote a number of polite letters to [commissioner Bud] Selig. I don't believe in being abusive, that won't get you nothing. He wrote me some innocuous letter back. It didn't say anything."

Werber loved his career as a player, and he loved playing basketball at Duke, but being a very smart man, he knew baseball would only last so long. When he retired, he made a second career in his father's line of work: insurance.

"I made a $100,000 salary my first year out of baseball [working at New England Life Insurance]," Werber said. "Hey, that's $20,000 more than Babe Ruth made in his best season."

Bill Werber laughed heartily about that. After 45 minutes on the phone, recalling his favorite stories, Werber took a nap. At 100 years old, and lucid beyond belief, he slept well.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Time I Almost Got Arrested: PART I AND II

I drive into work at 3:30AM each day. Its wonderful having the road to yourself without traffic, without distractions and with a better than small chance of the cell phone ringing unless its my college brother texting me incoherent words as he nears unconsciousness after an evening of drinking cheap beer.

My 40 minute commute allows me time to reflect on current events, the weather (my job), family, quantum theory, stuff like that. Just a few days ago as I passed the only 24 hour Wendys on the interstate, my mind came across the vivid memory of my cross-country driving trip back in 1998 and the second one with my wife back in 2000. It seemed like an eternity ago. A time before 9/11, a time before kids, a time before 90210 went off the air. A time when my wife and I almost got arrested while allegedly sneaking into Zion National Park. All I need to say is: Hungry Girlfriend and not enough money. Ready for this?

When I conceived the idea of traveling across this great land via automobile with my wife, I had the experience of one other cross country trip under my belt spanning grueling stretches of vast interstates of Arizona and Colorado, volvanic ash covered roads of the Black Hills of South Dakota, the cotton fields of Mississippi and a town with a population of 7 in rural Wyoming of which I have a picture. My checklist for the trip included a Mag-Light, pocket knife, money and a Rand McNally among other things. I thought I had thought of everything until we got about half way through our trek when the unthinkable happened.

Driving up I-15 after leaving Las Vegas, I thought of the bright idea of hitting every National Park within 4 inches on my current position on the map. What I failed to take into account in my wave of exploratory impulsiveness was that in Utah, 4 inches on a map isn't a quick 1/2 hour drive like it is in, say Connecticut. Its a 4 hour odyssey!


All I saw on the semi-worn Rand McNally were the green pockets that indicated national parks and plenty of them ready for me to conquer. They gleemed like diamonds; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; my reward after a long journey. My wife tried to convince me that this might not be a good idea but I wanted nothing of it. The conversation was like this as we thundered down the interstate at 77 mph (the speed limit is 75 in Utah):


Me: "Look at all of the sights we can see here in Utah!"


My Wife: "Lets try to prioritize what we want to..."


Me: "Hell, we'll be fine. We can hit Zion then right down the road is Bryce Canyon and then a little further east is Canyonlands National Park. No problem."


My Wife: "We better get something to eat before..."


Me: "There will be something near Zion; not to worrry."

That was the last thing we said to one another before we started down the road to oblivion.


10 miles....20 miles...30 miles...40 miles and no Zion National Park.


My wife: "We had better stop at this next rest area."


Me: "Just a little further..."'


Another 10 miles....and another 10 more...


My wife: "Uhhh, where is this Zion National Park? This had better be good because I'm freaking hungry!"


Me: "Almost there."


Another hour and a half and still no park.


You know those awkward moments when no one knows what to say or do. This fast became one of those times. The tension was mounting. The radio was off and I was seriously hoping for some sound to break the silence. Maybe we'd blow a tire or maybe a bird would hit the side mirror. Although she wasn't saying anything, I could feel my future wife crawling up the inside of the car in a despirate plight to locate food. I kept my mouth shut hoping that at the top of each rolling hill we approached marked the entrance to the park. We were out of crackers, the water was warm and our supply of gum was gone.


Finally, just over the horizon, Zion National Park appeared. I was relieved because at this point, my wife was licking gum wrappers frantically while mumbling a veritable plethera of expletives directed at the situation and me.


Don't get me wrong, she had every right to be mad. I acted a little too impulsive and now, we were in the middle of Utah with no sign of any park and my wife was hungry. I knew I was wrong but I ignored her and kept on driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hand on the door handle in the event I had to bail out.


We approached the ranger check-in station where you pay to enter. The only problem was that the brochure said it was $10 for a day, the sign at the station said $30.


Our conversation continued:


My wife: "What the f***!"
I feared for my life.


My wife: "We won’t have enough gas money to get home!"
The volume of her voice now escalating to the level that everyone within 20 feet of the car could hear her if the windows were down.


Me: "Alright. Let’s get up there and ask..." I was trying to frantically calm her down.
In a sarcastic tone, I made the mistake of saying: "Eat some crackers and relax."



My wife: "Goddamnit. this park had better be worth it!"
Although she didn’t say it, there was an implied "or else" at the end. I was visibly shaken.


We drove up to the window. The ranger said that the cost was indeed $30.


Once the amount was confirmed, amazingly nothing was said by either one of us. We were passed words. I purposefully didn’t make eye contact with my wife for fear that I’d either get "The Look" or I’d find her passed out in the passenger seat due to low blood sugar. Quickly taking hold of the situation, I told the ranger that we didn't have enough money and asked if we could turn around just beyond the gate and head back. He said sure.


There was a parking lot about 30 feet beyond the gate so I thought it would be better if I turned around there rather than do a "U’ie" in traffic. I pulled into the lot, decided at the last minute to stop, stretch and think about our next move after we exited the park. My girlfriend/future wife at this point was getting delusional and verbally confrontational with anything that moved. She was hungry and tired and at this juncture, according to her accounts a year later, the flowering tree and shrub in the grassy knoll near the parking lot appeared as a sandwich and chips. The garbage can--a chilled diet coke.


No sooner then I turned off of the car, got up and stretched out, a ranger officer pulled up behind the car.


My wife: "Holy sh**. So help me God, if he......."


Me: "Just be quiet. I’ll handle this."


The officer didn’t want to hear anything. I tried to explain but he wanted nothing but my ID. He ran a check on me presumably to make that I wasn’t a convicted felon.


My wife stood up out of the car and almost started ripping into the ranger. As she stood up out of the car, my life flashed before my eyes. In her present state of dehydration and malnurishment, her poorly chosen words would easily have gotten us both arrested. Thank goodness, she backed down and/or lost the will to fight. Either way, the ranger found that my record or lack thereof was not a threat so he told us to leave the park now in no uncertain terms. He escorted us out of the park as my wife threatened to impale me with a plastic fork.


Finally after 35 minutes retracing our driving, we found a Subway restaruant, ordered a few subs and calmly devoured them in roughly 90 seconds.


The moral of the story: When embarking on a trip without putting much thought into it, make sure your girlfriend or wife has a full stomach and is not thirsty.

Friday, June 06, 2008

The time I almost got arrested back in '98: PART I

ABOVE: X MARKS THE SPOT

I drive into work at 3:30AM each day without traffic, without distractions and with a better than small chance of the cell phone ringing unless its my college brother texting me incoherent words as he nears unconsciousness after an evening of drinking cheap beer. My 40 minute commute allows time to reflect on current events, the weather (my job), family, quantum theory, stuff like that. A few days ago during my commute just as I passed the only 24 hour Wendy's on the interstate, completely out of the blue, my memory suddenly dug up memories of my cross-country driving trip back in 1998 and the second one with my wife back in 2000. Seems like an eternity ago. A time before 9/11, a time before kids, a time before 90210 went off the air. A time when my wife and I almost got arrested while entering Zion National Park. All I need to say is: Hungr girlfriend and not enough money. Ready for this? When I conceived the idea of traveling across this great land via automobile with my wife, I had the experience of one other cross country trip under my belt spanning grueling stretches of vast interstates of Arizona and Colorado, volcanic ash covered roads of the Black Hills of South Dakota, the cotton fields of Mississippi and a town with a population of 7 in rural Wyoming of which I have a picture. (Now, population of 1 as of 2000) My check for the trip included a Mag-Light, pocket knife, money and a Rand McNally among other things. I thought I had thought of everything until we got about half way through our trek when the unthinkable happened. Driving up I-15 after leaving Las Vegas, I thought of the bright idea of hitting every National Park within 4 inches on my current position on the map. What I failed to take into account in my wave of exploratory impulsiveness was that in Utah, 4 hours on a map isn't a quick 1/2 hour drive like it is in, say Connecticut. Its a 4 hour odyssey! All I saw on the semi-worn Rand McNally were the green pockets that indicated national parks and plenty of them ready for me to conquer. They gleamed like diamonds; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; my reward after a long journey. My wife trying to convince me that this might not be a good idea. The conversation was like this as we thundered down the interstate at 77 mph (the speed limit is 75 in Utah):