Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Future Telephone Conversation with Nathan's Teacher
Some background first. My son sometimes eats 10% of his bodyweight in ONE DAY so needless to say, he really likes food. If this continues (probably not due to the impossibility of eating 10% of say 50 pounds when he's a kid) then this mock conversation will occur something like this:
(September 13, 2013, 5:10PM)
The phone rings...
School: "Is this the father of Nathan?"
School: "Your son Nathan is very active."
(That's school teacher code for "HE'S A SPAZ")
Me: "Yes, I know."
School: "He really likes to run around."
(Again, school teacher code for "HE'S REALLY HYPER")
Me: "Yeah. He loves to play outside."
(That's father code for "MY SON IS AN ATHLETE")
School: "Is your son eatting and sleeping good?"
(That's code for: "DO YOU FEED YOUR SON PURE SUGAR FOR BREAKFAST?")
Me: "Oh yes. He loves to eat and he goes to bed at 8PM every night!"
(Father code for: "NO, WE DON'T LET OUR SON WATCH HOURS OF TV")
School: "DOES NATHAN SHARE WITH YOU HOW HIS DAY WAS?"
(Translation: "ARE YOU AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN YOUR SON'S LIFE?"
Me: "WHAT'S YOUR POINT WITH ALL OF THIS?"
School: "WELL, HE SEEMS A BIT WOUND UP."
(Translation: "HE'S OUT OF CONTROL!"
ME: "HE' A REAL HAPPY KID."
School: "YOU COULD SAY THAT."
(Translation: "THIS CAN'T BE REAL---NO ONE IS THIS HAPPY--HE MUST BE ON MEDICATION.")
ME: "IS EVERYTHING OKAY?"
School: "I just wanted to touch base with you now that the school year is 3 weeks in."
(Translation: "WE'RE WATCHING YOUR SON")
ME: "THAT NICE OF YOU."
(Translation: "THAT'S NICE BUT WHY ARE YOU REALLY CALLING?")
School: "ONE OTHER THING: YOUR SON HAS ALOT OF ENERGY AND WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING IN THE CLASSROOM."
Me: "YEAH, HE'S AN OUTGOING KID."
ME: "DOES HE GET STRAIGHT A'S"
Me: "DOES HE TREAT THE OTHER KIDS GOOD?"
Me: "THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?"
School: "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS..."
Me: "YOU WON'T OFFEND ME. JUST LAY IT OUT THERE."
School: "OKAY, SIR... HERE IT GOES...YOUR SON HAS EATEN ALL OF THE FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA"
(Translation: "YOUR SON HAS EATEN ALL OF THE FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA!")
Me: "YES, OUR SON HAS A BIG APPETITE. IS HE BREAKING ANY RULES?"
SCHOOL: "NO, NOT REALLY."
Me: "WE GIVE HIM 27 DOLLARS FOR LUNCH. IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?"
School: "UH, NO. I GUESS NOT."
Me: "IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?"
School: "NO SIR. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW OF HIS EATING HABITS."
Me: "THAT'S MY BOY!"
School: "HAVE A GOOD DAY"