Nathan 9 Month Pictures/Future Teacher Conversation Below Pics

How my young chap is growing and showing SO much personality. Yes, he's way too happy. I am counting the days when he switches over to whole milk.

Can you say $3 for a gallon of whole milk versus $100 per month for formula?

Future Telephone Conversation with Nathan's Teacher

Some background first. My son sometimes eats 10% of his bodyweight in ONE DAY so needless to say, he really likes food. If this continues (probably not due to the impossibility of eating 10% of say 50 pounds when he's a kid) then this mock conversation will occur something like this:

(September 13, 2013, 5:10PM)

The phone rings...

School: "Is this the father of Nathan?"

Me: "Yes."

School: "Your son Nathan is very active."
(That's school teacher code for "HE'S A SPAZ")

Me: "Yes, I know."

School: "He really likes to run around."
(Again, school teacher code for "HE'S REALLY HYPER")

Me: "Yeah. He loves to play outside."
(That's father code for "MY SON IS AN ATHLETE")

School: "Is your son eatting and sleeping good?"
(That's code for: "DO YOU FEED YOUR SON PURE SUGAR FOR BREAKFAST?")

Me: "Oh yes. He loves to eat and he goes to bed at 8PM every night!"
(Father code for: "NO, WE DON'T LET OUR SON WATCH HOURS OF TV")

School: "DOES NATHAN SHARE WITH YOU HOW HIS DAY WAS?"
(Translation: "ARE YOU AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN YOUR SON'S LIFE?"

Me: "WHAT'S YOUR POINT WITH ALL OF THIS?"

School: "WELL, HE SEEMS A BIT WOUND UP."
(Translation: "HE'S OUT OF CONTROL!"

ME: "HE' A REAL HAPPY KID."

School: "YOU COULD SAY THAT."
(Translation: "THIS CAN'T BE REAL---NO ONE IS THIS HAPPY--HE MUST BE ON MEDICATION.")

ME: "IS EVERYTHING OKAY?"

School: "I just wanted to touch base with you now that the school year is 3 weeks in."
(Translation: "WE'RE WATCHING YOUR SON")

ME: "THAT NICE OF YOU."
(Translation: "THAT'S NICE BUT WHY ARE YOU REALLY CALLING?")

School: "ONE OTHER THING: YOUR SON HAS ALOT OF ENERGY AND WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING IN THE CLASSROOM."

Me: "YEAH, HE'S AN OUTGOING KID."

School: "YES...BUT."
ME: "DOES HE GET STRAIGHT A'S"

Me: "DOES HE TREAT THE OTHER KIDS GOOD?"
School: "YES...BUT."

Me: "THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?"
School: "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS..."

Me: "YOU WON'T OFFEND ME. JUST LAY IT OUT THERE."

School: "OKAY, SIR... HERE IT GOES...YOUR SON HAS EATEN ALL OF THE FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA"
(Translation: "YOUR SON HAS EATEN ALL OF THE FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA!")

Me: "YES, OUR SON HAS A BIG APPETITE. IS HE BREAKING ANY RULES?"
SCHOOL: "NO, NOT REALLY."

Me: "WE GIVE HIM 27 DOLLARS FOR LUNCH. IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?"

School: "UH, NO. I GUESS NOT."

Me: "IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?"

School: "NO SIR. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW OF HIS EATING HABITS."

Me: "THAT'S MY BOY!"

School: "HAVE A GOOD DAY"

Me: "BUH...BYE"

Opening Day - The "Official" Start of Summer

Ah, the beginning of the baseball season in Cleveland. The weather has been warm enough to push the tulips through the mulch. The smell of baseball glove leather, overcooked hotdogs, stale beer and freshly manicured grass permiates every ballpark from San Diego to Cleveland to Boston.

Opening day in Cleveland has history unlike most other major league cities in that professional baseball has existed since a few years after the Civil War. So, to celebrate Opening Day, everyone here at "Evening with Sabs" decided that a historical retrospective with some stats would be a great way to illustrate Cleveland professional baseball history. Don't worry. Its pretty straight forward.

Cleveland professional baseball started in 1869 with the first professional game played near the present day E. 38th street in between Scoville and Central Avenues. The team was named the Cleveland Forest Citys after the Forest City Coffee Company. They lost 25-6 to the first professional baseball team the Cincinnati Red Stockings.

Since that year, professional baseball in Cleveland faded in and out of existance as it did in other cities back then. In 1871 and 1872, a Cleveland team also names the Forest Citys was formed but disbanded. Then from 1879 to 1884, the Cleveland Blues played their games at the Kennard Street Park. During that stretch, they won 4 of the 6 opening days. In 1885 and 1886, no professional baseball was played in Cleveland. But in 1887, Cleveland baseball returned again. Named the Spiders, they won 10 of the next 13 opening days through the 1899 season.

In 1900, no Cleveland baseball existed because of the ineptitude of the 1899 Cleveland team which had a record of 20-132, still the worst record of any baseball franchise in baseball history. The team subsequently folded.

Starting in 1901, the new American Leagued was formed and Cleveland baseball was born again. Since then, Cleveland baseball which has been played in 3 stadiums (League Park, Cleveland Stadium and now Jacobs' Field) has won 54 of the 105 opening day games. They score an average of 4 runs in each opening day game. The most scored: 15 in 1997.

The sight of the former League Park. Nothing much is left except the front ticket area which later became a community center. The remaining frontage is in much worse condition than is indicated in this picture (circa 1970s or 80s) Plans are in the works to refurbish the grounds. This was the sight of Babe Ruth's 500th homerun as well as Cy Young's 500th win.

A picture from the last season at Cleveland Stadium from 1993. The new Cleveland Browns Stadium occupies the site as of 1999.

The smell of parenthood

I love being a father. Its very rewarding knowing that you're shaping a new life into, hopefully, a great human being. Its also a constant learning experience and the ultimate exercise in patience. For someone like me who has been career oriented, this has been an adjustment but one that's been easier than I thought. More than all of those things, being a father/parent comes with a totally different life style that demands you stay mentally sharp for any and all surprises that might come your way. Maybe you put your baby to bed healthy and in a great mood and the next morning, your baby wakes up with a fever of 101 with projectile vomiting. Or maybe your eating dinner with your baby on your lap and in the span it takes you to blink your eyes, he's grabbed your fork, knocked your drink to the floor and by the time you know what's going on, your dog's licked up the spill, the baby's knee deep in spaghetti sauce and now you have no dinner.

Parenthood is grand, isn't it?

Just last week, one of these "surprises" hit me like an anvil. No, it wasn't a chaotic dinner or a surprise illness, it was a smell....a smell I had never smelled before and looking back, a smell I hope to never smell again. Before you say "dirty diaper", think of something even worse. What in nature could smell worse?

I remember a field trip in seventh grade to a sewage treatment which was the worst smell I had ever experienced to date. That field trip to the treatment plant left such an indelible mark on my olfactory system that it stayed at the top of my "worst smell" list for eighteen more years! That takes us to March of 2006 and this new, foul stench which makes my sewage treatment plant aroma experience seem like a whiff of potpourri at grandma's house.

What would emanate an odor stronger and more potent than raw sewage? What would stimulate ones olfactory receptors causing one to blow chunks? Here's a recently declassified picture:

What you are looking at is The Diaper Genie. A neat invention created by British entrepreneur John Hall which takes a "dirty diaper" and stores it until permanent disposal is needed, a.k.a. once the bag inside gets full. (How a baby weighing between 15 and 25 pounds eating nothing but formula and pureed chicken and peas could create excrement that reeks like it originated in a horse stall I'll never know. Its one of the mysteries of life that will never be answered.)

The company that produces this product touts it as The #1 brand in diaper disposal, the Diaper Genie® System, is easy to use and provides unsurpassed odor and germ protection. I beg to differ. What happened to the Diaper Genie providing unsurpassed odor protection? Sure, the Diaper Genie keeps the odors inside but what happens when we need to empty the bag? Our diaper Genie, as evident by the picture, looks pretty innocuous just sitting there in the corner of my son's room. But that's just a facade. For what lies on the inside are the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) that our US Troops are looking for in Iraq. The baby equivalent of VX nerve gas makes its home in MY home--more specifically in the bag that resides in the Genie. Yes, my infant son creates poop that if left in a closed container smells worse than anything created in nature since the dawn of time. To put it another way, my son's butt creates a product that could conceivably wipe out a small town!

Last Wednesday, my wife changed out the bag inside the Genie and lost consciousness for 3 minutes. When she came to, she asked me what happened? I told her that she was overcome by the fumes from the Genie and that she would need oxygen. Once she got her breath back and the paralysis wore off, she vowed never to change the Genie without proper protection. The very next day, she purchased a gas mask which she wears everytime she changes the bag. Yeah, she sounds like Darth Vader on the baby monitor with it on but its a necessary by-product of not turning our house into a landfill overflowing with soiled diapers that take 10,000 years to decompose.

So far, I have fended off my body's urge to shutdown when exposed to the noxious vapors that permiate the Genie. In fact, I think I've built up a tolerance to this pungent odor at the expense of my life expectancy being shortened by a few years. Like my wife, soon, I too will succumb.

If your first child is on the way and your looking into one of these neat, little contraptions in an effort to make your life easier, remember this: It might keep odors from escaping but once you break the seal, the worst odor you've ever smelled will be released and if you have a weak stomach, you might end up on the floor in a pool of half-digested lunch. So, either suck it up and handle the smell like a man or wait for the new and improved Diaper Genie commonly referred to as Potty Training.

VOTE for the manliest actor ALIVE!

Let's make one thing clear. I'm not gay. Not that being gay is a bad thing but including a poll question like this one necessitates this type of disclaimer. With that out of the way, I encourage all of you to cast your VOTE in my incredibly scientific poll for the MANLIEST ACTOR ALIVE at the top of the blog. After all, being a man means trying to find ways to become more manly. I am sure many of you use some of these actors as THE bench mark for manliest in your quest for ultimate manliness. Then again, maybe not but humor me. The criteria for this list is as follows:

* 20 or more MOVIES/TV ShOWS

* Must be 35 YEARS OLD

* You must be ALIVE

Some notibles that are not eligible (mostly due to their deaths) are:

Charles Bronson - Death Wish movies
Jack Lord - Hawaii Five-O
John Wayne - You know, that western guy...maybe you've heard of him
Lee Marvin - Known for his role in "The Dirty Dozen"
Vin Diesel - Not enough movies yet
Steve McQueen - Popular actor with the ladies in the 60s and 70s
James Coburn - Another western guy
Lorne Greene - main character in the tv show "Bonanza"
James Dean - Popular actor in the 50s
James Cagney - One of the best actors of all time - Tough guy from the 1930s.
Marlon Brando - Widely accepted as the best actor EVER!
Vincent Price - Horror movie actor (voice was in the Michael Jackson song "Thriller"
Humphrey Bogart - Top 10 great from the 1940s and Bugs Bunny cartoons
Bill Bixby - Main character in the show "The Incredible Hulk" and "My Favorite Martian" and a host of others
Bergess Meredith - Played the Pengiun in the original "Batman" tv show as well as Mickey Goldmill in Rocky

Fastfood Amnesia - Update

Say your driving around town doing errands that the wife set you out to do. A trip to the drug store for odds-n-ends followed by a quick stop at the grocery for eggs, milk, baby food, some bread and chicken for dinner. You patiently wait for the inordinately slow seniors in the checkout line to complete their transaction. You get into your car and drive to your next stop using strategic zig-zags through side streets trying to avoid downtown traffic. Mentally drained, you decide that you need a break. Driven by the subliminal advertisement you've heard hundreds of times, you decide to stop for a quick bite at McDonalds.

We're all Americans. Apple pie, Fourth of July, baseball, barbecues, mowing the lawn and McDonalds. We grew up with these staples of Americana. America's weight problem aside, the Golden Arches might as well be the symbol of America. We are drawn to this iconic restaurant without thinking. Its our democratic duty as Americans to stop into McDonalds at least a few times a year.

You pull into the McDonalds parking lot already with a clear idea of what you want. (I personally grew up with the BigMac value meal). Sure, its one of the worst things for you: 1150 Calories, 50 grams of fat and 152 grams of carbs but you can't help yourself. It stares at you promising fulfillment like no other food can.

You walk inside and make a beeline for the counter. But wait, there are others waiting to order so you suddenly stop. You know what you want but the 3 or 4 people in front of you haven't even made it to the counter. The funny thing is that no one is holding up the line. There isn't a spill on the linoleum floor or some other problem with the cash register. Some unknown force has stopped them in their tracks and is now backing them up against the counter that holds the condiments where they are now frozen with blank stares. What's holding them up you ask yourself? Did they forget money? Was there a family emergency?

Oh wait. This can't be. Are they all looking up at the menu? Haven't they been to McDonalds before?

Here in lies the fifty thousand dollar question: Why is it that when most people go to McDonalds, they move as far back from the counter as possible so as to examine the menu above as if they've never been to a McDonalds in their life?

Sure, some of you say the menu has changed. Please, spare me your poor excuses. The basic McDonalds menu has stayed the same for over 20 years! The Filet-O-Fish was introduced in 1963, the Big Mac in 1968, the Quarter Pounder in 1973, the Drive-Thru in 1975, Happy Meal in 1979, McChicken in 1980, McRib in 1981, Chicken McNuggets in 1983, Salads in 1985 along with the McDLT which is now the Big & Tasty. Okay, some of the items went through some modifications but overall, the menu is a carbon-copy of what it was in the 1980s. For anyone over the age of 35, if you can't recite the McDonalds menu from memory then either you've never been out of the house or you've lived in a third-world country completely isolated from the modern world. Wait. This just in. McDonalds is now located in Morocco which is in Africa. So yes, its still considered a third-world country which means that if you still stare at the McDonalds menu, you're very sheltered.

Back to our story.

Here's where the problem begins for you: Do you step in front of them potentially upsetting the group still mesmerized at the illuminated menu in front of them? Do you stop and wait for the group to come out of their trance caused by their sudden over-assimilation of information?

At this point, the break from your hustle and bustle errant filled hour you've been looking forward has become more like work. All you want to do is place an order, get your food and get out. Fastfood, afterall, is supposed to be focused on speed and efficiency. We want our food now not next week. The high school kids behind the counter will no doubt operate at such a slow speed so that a sundial will be needed to clock their progress so you certainly don't need other customers contributing to the counter-productive nightmare that is fastfood order-taking.

Instead of filling your stomach with a "heart attack value meal", your pondering the ethical ramifications of your potential movement in front of people (who unfortunately represent a good number of the general population) who haven't paid attention to the menu during their other five thousand visits to McDonalds starting in childhood. Keep in mind that all of this activity--or lack thereof--is happening over a distance of 8 feet.

By now, 5 minutes have elapsed and you patience is getting thinner. Your stomach is growling and your now afraid that your decision might be an impulsive one with complete disregard to these customers.

Screw it. Your stomach makes the decision for you. You fly up to the counter, order your food without making eye contact with the group behind you, grab a few napkins and high-tail it out the door. As you make your way to the door, you curiosity gets the better of you. You have to know if those clueless people made it to the counter to order. So you turn around to take a look. What do you know. . The group is still near the back of the line staring at the menu as if Hamburglar or Grimace was hypnotizing them with dangling Happy Meal toys.

Sucks to be them.

As you leave the restaurant, the uncertain group of people begin to saunter up to the counter. Judging by their facial expressions, they're still not convinced that their food choice is the best one . At this point, you don't care because you got your food, your back in your car and relaxing with your 1100 calories of pure artery clogging delight.

What can we learn from this story: If you don't know the McDonals menu, learn it. Make it a point to know the entire menu from the McGriddles to Apple Pies to the Big 'N Tasty. Taking some time to learn the basics of a McDonalds menu will not only save time, it will make everyone's life that much easier. Better yet, just pack your lunch.

Family Guy Episodes

The Family Guy--due to decisions at FOX--was pushed back for a while and replaced with the football playoffs and other programming. Now, a bevy of new Family Guy episodes are in the can and ready for broadcast. Get ready for 6 weeks in a row of action packed, Family Guy action.

Episode Synopses:

Episode 73: MARCH 23rd
Episode 74: APRIL 2nd
Episode 75: APRIL 9th
Episode 76: APIRL 16th
Episode 77: APRIL 23rd
Episode 78: APRIL 30th

Random Pictures

Minivans: The root of all evil

Let's get one thing straight. I hate minivans. Scratch that. Mom always said never say "hate". Alright, I DESPISE minivans! Since the minivan's inception back in 1983 (see picture) , the minivan world was a place that I never wanted to venture into unless the circumstances dictated such as carpooling. After all, being 9 years old with a negative opinion toward the vehicle that was taking you home from school activities would have made mom and dad cringe so I kept my opinion to myself for 20 years.

Here we are in 2006. I am a proud parent of an 8 month old son, my good friend from childhood will be a parent of twin girls in a few weeks, my other friend from college is a parent of twin girls, my other friend from college is a parent of 2 boys and I still DISPISE minivans! I want nothing to do with a vehicle that exists for the sole purpose of carting kids to and from soccer practice.

Twenty-three years have passed since their inception. I thought the minivan would be just a passing fad. Well, the fad has lasted two decades and counting. Thank goodness the wood-paneled look is now passe. Now, minivans come standard with keyless ignition, automatic sliding doors, personal climate control for each passenger and multiple DVD players built into the seatbacks. What's next, a robotic arm attached to the domelight that has the ability to smack kids who act up or an internet connection straight to McDonalds so your kids can order their Happy Meals without mom and dad driving through the drive-thru? Do you see why minivans are on my "I'll never buy if you held a gun to my head" list?

Oh wait, minivans are convenient and make life easier for moms and dads with kids. Sure, I got that. I come from a family with five kids where convenience is of the utmost importance. But if your definition of "easier life" means turning your kids into sissies then yes, by all means, swing down to your local minivan dealership, drop down $30,000 and drive away in estasy.

Here's a conversation flashback from my childhood:

"I'm hot."

"Roll down the window!"

That dialogue must have volleyed back and forth between me and my dad a hundred times on family car rides between 1978 and 1993. Rolling down the windows or putting your jacket back on was the climate control system that I grew up with riding in the backseat of our family station wagon and conversion van. If I was lucky, the FM radio, add-on my dad installed might pick up some faint top-40 stations if we were pointed in the right direction. Otherwise, it was 40 minutes of "99 bottles-of-beer-on-the-wall" to and from grandma's house. And no I didn't walk to school uphill both ways in 3 feet of snow.

Before you verbally barrage me with your "your so insensitive; get with the times" cracks, let me tell you a story. My dear friend at colonelt.com is trading in his 2000 Mustang. You see, he's giving up his "baby" for his future "babies". For a man, its hard to give up his vehicle. Its his life blood. The vehicle becomes an extension of himself. Its like cutting off an arm or a leg. Without hesitation, the Colonel made this huge leap and will be trading in his Ford Mustang for betterment and convenience for his future family. After all, the logistics of having two car seats in the back of a car like that just doesn't work. Props go out to the Colonel for making the right choice.

However....

He is trading it in for a MINIVAN! He might as well just drive his Mustang in a demolishion derby. Why not a family sedan? Why not an SUV? Some cost even less than minivans which are grossly overpriced as it is. Very soon, I hope to get some insight from the Colonel and his wife on their decision making process so as to get a better idea of why they are going the minivan route. (aside from the convenience element).

Regardless, I will never be down with the whole minivan craze. By today's standards, minivans and kids go hand and hand. Its hard finding a family that doesn't have one of these transports. I, however, plan on bucking that trend. At some point, I will be carpooling kids to and from baseball practice or band practice but as sure as the sun rises in the east, you will not find me at the helm of a minivan anytime soon.

Nathan's First Tooth

Before becoming a father, the thought of taking a picture of an infant's mouth magnifying it so as to give a close up of a tooth that just broke the surface of the gumline would have been the cheesiest thing ever. Here I am a few days removed from my son's 8 month birthday displaying just that.

Hope you will forgive the "cheese factor".