Rosie, Go Away!

Does it get more annoying than this?

Rosie O'Donnell is finding yet more ways to get her mug in the headlines even though she basically has no job. Frankly, I don't know what is worse. The fact that Rosie is so ridiculously annoying or that networks deem it necessary to report on her selfrightrous verbal tirades. Evidentally REAL news that is worth reporting isn't as "sexy" as Rosie opening her huge piehole. Excuse that oxymoron.

There isn't much worse than people who need attention or like to hear themselves talk ALL OF THE TIME. We all know individuals like this. Rosie is one of those people. She just can't seem to keep her piehole shut. Her days on The View are long gone and now, reports are surfacing that she would love the opportunity to host The Price Is Right. What tops it all is Bob Barker actually endorses her! What the hell is going on here?

Look, she has her opinions about the war in Iraq, guns, movies, television, food & whatever. That's fine. I could care less about her political viewpoints. This isn't about her opinions, its about her flapping her gums, period.

Rosie, here's a piece of advice. If you want to run your mouth, do it in the privacy of your own home. If you decide not to heed my recommendation, remember this Rosie when you speak:

No one cares.

Father's Day

Father's Day is still a bit awkward for me because I still think of Father's Day as a day where we all chipped in as kids and bought my dad a few ties, a cigar and took him either out for breakfast or tried to make it ourselves. I still remember when he tried to choke down our "version" of pancakes which consisted of too much of every ingredient listed on the box with a few renegade cheerios thrown in for good measure. Those days are coming for me soon enough.

Now that its early afternoon on this special Sunday, truth be told, the aura of Father's Day is just now sinking in. I'm not one for wanting people to give me special treatment even if it is a day for fathers but its easy to just give into the spirit of the day and relish in the fact that I AM A FATHER and not everyone has this luxury that so many of us take for granted myself included. Just a few minutes ago, my son called me from the other room:

"Da, da?"

It was right at that moment that I realized I am not only a father but there is a bond there that is strong and getting increasingly stronger each and every day. The more I think about it, Father's Day is a time where I see myself exploring those times where the silence of an expression or an embrace speaks a library full. And afterward, I'll take several steps back and you can bet I'll be awestruck by the complex connection that my child (soon to be children) have created together.

Barry Bonds' Homerun Log

In the event that you really want to know who gave up Bonds' 331st homer then this list is for you courtesy of baseball-reference.com. Even if you don't like Bonds as a player, you can still respect the list as it is impressive. It isn't until you reach the bottom that you start to smell a "hint" of steroids and HGH...oops, I mean arthritis creme.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/pi/event_hr.cgi?n1=bondsba01

Cell Phone Scare

My wife and I have similar looking cell phones. We leave them sitting on the counter in the kitchen recharging when we're at home. For whatever reason, my lovely wife took mine instead of hers as she left for work. Of course, I was unaware of this until I was about 10 miles down the road.

I wasn't in the car for more than ten minutes and a sudden, overwhelming sense of nervousness washed through me as I tried to come to grips with my cellphoneless self.

I couldn't believe what was happening. "What happens if I break down? What happens if a family member needs to get a hold of me?" I thought. Never mind that prior to the mid 1990s, most people never had cell phones and if something happened while you were away from the phone, say in the car on a trip, you found out once you got home. If you broke down, you found something called a payphone. What happened to those things anyway?

All of that didn't matter and I still felt naked without my phone.

Over the last several years without even realizing it, that little cell phone had become a part of my day-to-day existence. Granted, I don't use it all that much but still, it was a dishartening feeling knowing that my only means of communication was missing. Imagine your life without a limb? You would eventually you learn to live without it but initially, the shock of having only one limb would be life altering.

So my metaphor is a bit of a stretch but today for about 45 minutes, I felt like my life was significantly altered. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I am becoming the person that I make fun of everyday as I drive to work? You know, FREAKY-CELL-PHONE-USER that has that damn phone permanently affixed to his or her ear. I hope not.

At least I had my PDA on me in the event that had to quickly parooze a PDF file in a pinch.

Big News from the Homefront

...Big News from the homestead. My wife and I are expecting out second child. Here are the ultrasounds to prove it...if you know how to read these things.

Kansas Tornado Pics

A Meteorologist friend of mine just emailed me aerial pictures of the devestation from the EF-5 tornado from early May. Here is the first. Click on this LINK for the rest of them.

Pimped Out Cars...What Not To Do

For the umpteenth time today, I saw yet another car all tricked out with a slick paint job, spinning rims and other stuff. If you want to get your car all decked out, fine. Go for it. I have no problem with it. But for the love of God and all that is holy, don't pimp out your car if you own a Ford Escort, Ford Espire, Chevy Cavalier or a late 80s, early 1990s model minivan.

I have nothing against these fine vehicles...

...wait, yes I do.

There is a reason that you own one of these vehicles and that is you don't have enough money to buy something better. I have nothing against people who might not make enough money for an expensive car. I'm one of these people so I sympathize. So why spend thousands of dollars creating a car straight from a rap video if you don't have the money for a fancy car in the first place?

Besides, pimping out one of these cars just isn't right. After all, who wants to look at ground effects on a Ford Escort? Who wants to look at a Dodge Omni with spinning rims and a modified muffler? Ever notice the owners of these cars as they rumble down the highway? You know they're telling themselves over and over again: "I look bad-ass. I couldn't look any cooler if I tried. Chicks will dig me now". They look as if they actually think their vehicle is the center of the universe and all other drivers should pay homage to their ride knowing that it probably came with an AM Radio standard when it first came off the assembly line.

Look, I know I'm more than a decade removed from college so call me "old school". If you want to get your car pimped out with ground effects and the like, make sure you own something that a, was made after 1997 and b, is not smaller than a riding lawn mower.

The Language of 2 Year Olds

More than 3 months left to go before my son turns 2 and I am still amazed at how much he understands even though he still can't convey his thoughts and wants into full sentences...yet. What he does do--and very well I might add--is point to what he wants while simultaneously uttering the sound or sounds the object makes. For me, its taken months to assimilate his "vocabulary" so that I can better communicate with him. To better facilitate this, I decided to make a list of these "word sounds". Since I'm not a virtuoso in this style of communication, a handy guide was needed in finding the exact word that illustrates the specific sound I was looking for that my son uses. That's where the list of onomatopoeia at "Wiktionary" became very helpful. This also helps in keeping my pronouciation of these sounds at work to a minimum. After all, reproducing random gutteral sounds from my 21 month old's vocabulary in a professional work environment isn't conducive to long term employment.

Let's take a look at some of these onomatopoeia that my son has perfected:

Any motorized vehicle--heck, any machine that burns combustible fuel--is of course "vroom, vroom, urruum.....". No big surprise here. Although my son's Fisher Price 4-Wheeler doesn't burn gasoline, the "vroom, vroom, urruum....." works here too.

A train or truck (18 wheeler) is "Umm, Umm" which is said by detaching each word from the other in a distinctly separate manner. It's said while pulling a phantom horn with his right hand from above. This one is ONLY for a truck or train and should not be confused with "vroom, vroom".

My cordless drill is "Eeeeeeeeee" with a crescendo from the start to the fifth "e" which is held for a few seconds or until he runs out of breath whatever fits his fancy at the time.

The coffee maker is "Blah-la" created by sticking your tongue hitting your upper lip as it exits your mouth--the "blah"--and then quickly pulling it back in hitting your upper lip as it retreats--the "la". All of which occurs in about a half of a second. He also uses this to identify a few animals and inanimate objects such as a frog, cat, snake and clock. This poses a real problem when you in the kitchen and ALL THREE ANIMALS are standing under the clock which creates a huge challenge trying to figure out what one he's referring to not to mention how they all got there seeing how we only own a clock.

My drum set is "boom, boom". No detailed pronunciation description needed. He has also used the old "boom, boom" when something else has gone "boom, boom" like a backfiring car or an appliance that suddenly blows up...not that that's happened.

Any food that he doesn't like or some object either in the garbage or some to be placed in the garbage is referred to as "BLAH". All kids use this one. Remember to drag out the "AH" part for a half second or so to really place emphasis on how incredibly yucky the object in question really is. The pronunciation has to be convincing or else it will be looked at as...well, "blah".

One of the first sounds that my son incorporated into his lexicon was a straight up "grow"l. This word "growl" is used so often in real language that it probably shouldn't be classified as an onomatopoeia. aNYWAY, I think he picked this one up from me one day when I was disgusted about something and I sighed. He interpreted it as a "growl" where it has been used to identify dogs ever since. Of course, when he's not too happy, he'll "growl" to show dissatisfaction.

And last but certainly not least, the king of all toddler onomatopoeia, the mother of all little kid words:

POOP

Yes, he loves to say it even when its not really necessary. If your in the bathroom, he points to the toilet and he says, "POOP". When your walking around in the backyard, he'll point to the grass and say, "POOP. When you tell him to take off his shoes, he points to the treads and says, "POOP". A bird flies off of the deck and it leaves some white residue, he points and says, "POOP". He finds a Tootsie Roll and says, "POOP". This word has become interchangeable for basically all objects in the house and in the yard. Whether or not it's accurate is immaterial. The word "POOP" just works and my son is the king of its usage. Now you ask him if he has indeed "pooped" in his diaper and he will flat out lie to you in a cleverly orchestrated maneuver designed to let the "poop" stew in there until I build up enough gumption to change it.

Once he starts saying "tintinnabulate" then my wife and I are in trouble.

RUSH's New Album

Although it won't be officially released until May 1st, Rush's new album Snakes and Arrows was leaked onto the web late last week. Since then, I have listened to the entire album three times. Now, contrary to my wife's contention that Rush is all I listen to, the relatively new song by the group Breaking Benjamin called Breath is quite awesome and rightly deserves to be near the top of the rock charts where it has been for many weeks... but I digress.

This new Rush album, Snakes and Arrows, has alot of music on it, almost 63 minutes worth. You'll notice right from the beginning "old school" Rush elements that put the band on the map 30 years ago but also has a conspicuously modern feel which Rush or any band needs to stay competitive in 2007. et this album features songs with multiple movements as in the case with Track 2: Armor and Sword. This song is more than 6 minutes long but it stays fresh with all its complexity and bold feel. The first track, Far Cry, which has been close to the top of the charts for almost a month is probably harder than track 2. It gets your attention with a strong beginning and bold ending. Some of the middle tracks offer a bluesy feel in parts while changing back to a classical rock dynamic.

For the first time in 18 studio albums, Snakes and Arrows features 3 instrumentals. The first titled The Main Monkey Business doesn't disspoint. It's hard rock, classic rock and acoustic elements compliment each other quite well. The second titled Hope is a short jam session between Alex Lifeson and getty Lee. The third, track 12, called Malignant Narcissism is quick--a little over 2 minutes--but powerful. The bass riffs and tom-tom solos for a measure or two stand out toward the end.

Overall, I'd recommend Tracks 1, 2, 6, 9, 10 and 12. Tracks 6 and 12 being instrumentals.

Audio Books and Innocence of Childhood

It's amazing what mp3s you can find on the internet if you just look hard enough. For example, over the last 7 days or so, I've been listening to Bill Bryson's book The Lost Continent in the car to and from work. In brief, its about Bill's (I'll refer to him by his first name. He doesn't mind) trek across American after spending a number of years in Great Britian as a way of re familiarizing himself with our great land. One of his goals was to see if that perfect American town portrayed in movies actually existed. If you've read any of his books (A Short History of Nearly Everything, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail, Notes from a Small Island just to name a few) this literary work will not disappoint.

Prior to a week ago, the words "audio book" to me seemed like a contradiction. A book, after all, unless you're a 6 year old, should be read not heard. Listening to a book by all accounts seemed to me like cheating on a test. Why not just read the summary on the back cover?

That was my stance until I started listening to this book. Boy was I blown away. It wasn't at all as bad as I envisioned. My initial guilt for even postulating such an endeavor was quickly snuffed out as I became drawn into the storyline. True, its not the same as digesting the pages one after another while sitting in your favorite chair sipping an adult beverage but it doesn't suppress ones ability to conjure up mental images of what is transpiring in a specific passage even while thundering down the interstate.

The first seven or eight chapters which I finished last Thursday chronicles Bill's early leg of the journey which took him through Illinois, Kentucky and parts of deep south. The cotton fields in Mississippi he described reminded me of what I saw when I set out on my own cross country trip back in 1998; a story for another time. As he made his way through Illinois and western Kentucky, his description of the small towns were as vivid as anything I had ever heard.

...Then something hit home...right in between my eyes.

As Bryson searched for the "perfect" American little town, it occurred to me that as I observed my young son playing without a care in the world, I longed for the days when all I did was run around the neighborhood which was "perfect" in my eyes. I'd wake up on a Saturday morning, watched new episodes of Looney Toons (or were they reruns from the 50s and 60s?), ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes and went outside to play ball or ride my bike all over the neighborhood with no thought to what time it was or how much time elapsed. Truth be told, I got pretty good at figuring out the time by looking at the sun, within say a half hour or so. Eventually, I'd return home, eat dinner, help my mom or dad with a few tasks around the house or in the yard followed by more ball playing or more bike riding through the homemade dirt trails on the edge of the neighborhood. The next day, the process would start all over again.

Never did I have to worry about the hardcore reality that made up the world outside my neighborhood. After all, my neighborhood was my "perfect" little town as far as my 8 year old eyes could see. I didn't have to pay bills, didn't have to worry about employment, didn't have to worry about federal or state income tax or health care. My life consisted of three things: playing ball, riding my bike and playing video games. That's it. Nothing more. The rest fell into place. Life couldn't get any easier.

Alas, you can't go back in time to relive childhood days gone by. You can't even pretend that it's 1983 and ride your rusted out BMX up and down the street. I guess you could but the neighbors wouldn't look at you the same after such a stunt. However, during a trip home last summer, I decided to take a trip back to the old trails hoping that I could score one more ride only to find that the weeds had taken over leaving no trace of the trails that once stood. Evidently nature proved to have the last word.

I know it's a stretch but listening to Bill's voyage through these towns made me realize how much I see myself in my son. The childhood innocence he radiates as he plays in the family room or out in the garage is intoxicating. It triggers my memories from childhood of the smell of food my mom was cooking on the stove as I watched reruns of Scooby Doo or the sweet smell of my dad's pipe emanating from the basement as he worked on some project. Heck, I even remember the brand of tobacco--Captain Black--because it was my job to fetch it when he was ready to smoke his pipe.

In and of themselves, these stimuli mean nothing. But to me, they represented security and comfort. I had a comfy house, good food and loving parents that regardless of what trials and tribulations existed in their adult reality, they exuded a sense of calmness that, in retrospect, helped deflect the stress of everyday life away from me. My life in my small little "perfect" world continued unabated with, still, not a care in the world. It is this environment that encapsulates security and comfort that sustains the innocence and "perfection" of childhood that I wish to provide for my son and future child; something they will look back on in their adulthood with soothing fondness.

Call it living vicariously through ones child but playing with my son helps me forget that I am a working, responsible adult who needs to pay his taxes on time. The stressors of everyday life suddenly vanish and my existence becomes locked in a state of pure naivete. For these fleeting moments, I am back at home in 1983 smelling the faint tinge of cigar smoke from my dad or the overriding aroma of spaghetti sauce at the hands of my mom or the sound of the powdery dirt as I ride my bike on the old dirt trails back in the old neighborhood. If only these moments could last as long as childhood itself.